Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
