I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
