debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
