i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
