I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
