I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
