did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
