Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
