The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize