The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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