Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
