two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
