I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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