he shaved USA in his pubs
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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