i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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