he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
