my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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