AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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