Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
