I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
