Got a toothbrush?
My nipple is on Facebook.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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