dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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