So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
