She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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