My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I lost the right to judge tonight
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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