So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
