And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
