I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
