There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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