I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
