I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
