she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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