I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You smell like stripper and shame
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
