tonight lets celebrate not being married
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
