I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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