How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
