God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
