I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I look better un-naked...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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