This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
