finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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