The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
