I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Drake has all the answers
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
