You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
