It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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