She is in my trunk
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
