I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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