I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
