you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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