Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
