dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
