so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
