Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
