my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
