i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
