We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
