The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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