The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
