this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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