omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
