Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
