Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so let's talk penis.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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