Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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