I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
