My pussy is not your playground.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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