It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
