my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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